Monday, April 24, 2006


How You Are In Love
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.

You give completely and unconditionally in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

Friday, April 21, 2006


The rain helped. To be drenched by it has washed away uncertainties. To have it wash away the plague that's been festering in my mind and soul. And yours, as I watch you smile while the rain beats down on your face.

I have stepped out of line. With my little requests. And my consistent nagging. To see you truly happy with the rain, pleases me as well.

I realize that I almost slipped back to my zealous ways. To be blindly driven with total disregard of anything but the righteous cause. My cause. Almost. And then I remember, that I have no right to. To act like that would make me no better than him.

I am nothing after all in this equation. No opinion, no voice, no consequence. You have your duty to fufill. Regardless of what I think. And you looked so happy then as you left, that maybe it's not as bad as I make it to be at times.

I am an outsider. Looking in through the peephole. Wrong that I am a voyeur, yet curious to see the outcome of things. And each time I look, I tend to hurt myself more. Yet I continue.

At least I feel. And I do not regret. He must be lucky at least for the chance to keep you warm after the cold downpour. And you could use the warmth that is afforded to you. It's a nice warm fuzzy feeling. At least I have memories of such moments from my past.

I smile unconciously. You ask, why do I do what I do, even though it's wrong. I guess, I feel the need to. It makes you happy, even though you protest vehemently. Your eyes say it all. And I get lost in them so often nowdays.

Sometimes it takes an act of God to wake one up.

There's never a wrong one after all.

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

James Blunt - Cry.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


I wake up in a mess. I don't remember how I got home. The morning sun in my face lets me know it's still early.

Slowly I recollect. I still taste the vomit in my mouth. It's not mine though. I rub my nose and smell you on my fingers. Memories flood back in. Alcohol induced nights are always the most interesting. I smile.

Soon I'll have to go down and clean my car up. And restock it with smelling salts, tissue and drinking water. Definitely. Alcohol induced nights can be most interesting indeed.

Coffee would be good now. Other than you of course.

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your INHIBITIONS

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
treat yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Back To Mine.

For those that don't know, the Back To Mine series consists of songs that people listen to after hours. It's the playlist that they put on after a hard day or night of work/drinking/clubbing. Some feature chilled out tracks to wind themselves down, while others prefer a mix of all, be it dance, country, death metal or old school rock.

Below is my playlist along with a lil explaination on why it's there in the first place. In some ways, it chronicles my life and offers a small glimpse into my sick, twisted mind.


1. U2 - One. Love is a temple. Love, The higher law.
This was supposed to be my song. My wedding song. THE wedding song. Amazing how romantic we could be when we were much younger. The version with the German Philharmonic Orchestra is the most heart-rending.

2. Johnny Cash - Hurt. You can have it all. My empire of dirt.
This is a remake of the Nine Inch Nails classic, but Johnny Cash just does it so well that you can almost weep from the sorrow that is so thick in his voice.

3. James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover. I am here for you, if only you'd care.
Rather new to the playlist, but makes it just for sheer emotion, Blunt has got to be the most depressing emo guy out there. Goes well with alcohol, anything above 100 proof.

4. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony. And I'm a million different people from one day to the next.
The first of the 'Cut wrist and slowly die' songs, it's been a staple on my list due to me being a sucker for strings. A depressed friend almost drove himself off a highway flyover listening to this.

5. Neo Genesis Evangalion OST - Pachabel's Canon in D Performed by a String Quintuple.
The movie was a rollercoaster going downhill fast, as we could only watch helpless as NERV, the people who had been protecting the planet are just left to die after saving it for the last time. And as it unfolded, this song kept playing in the background.

6. Chemical Brothers - Where Do I Begin. Don't even know who's bed I'm in.
Beth Orton's vocals are haunting in this morning after track which just keeps playing in the back of your head after it's all over.

7. Dark Globe - Break My World. Use me up, cut me dry, shut my mouth, say goodbye.
An underground staple which features Amanda Ghost on vocals, I got hooked on this tune because of the dark feeling it gives; relaxing yet bitter.

8. Mew - Comforting Sounds. Honestly I tried to avoid it. Honestly.
First time I heard this was from watching their video. It got limited airplay, but stayed on my playlist since. I just love the way the song cresendos into it's climax, and keeps hitting you for multiples.

9. Underworld - Cowgirl. hurt the necessary feeling.
Underworld are fucking geniuses when it comes to dance music. If there's any rave by them in the vicinity, it would be a dream come true. Numerous of their tracks would make this list, but this one stands out the most. And no, I have no idea why it's called cowgirl.

10. Leftfield - Swords. I have become Pure water.
Something to listen to while winding down and driving home, Swords is also best played when it's raining. Real heavy. Compliments the lightning that would be streaking around you very well.

11. Orbital - Halycon and On and On.
First heard from the OST of Hackers, this is definitely the best thing to listen to as you sit in a corner and watch the city lights, or the sunrise. Don't forget the Screwdriver that goes with it.

12. Late Night Alumni - Empty Streets. i'm affected more than i had guessed on what was said
A new entry into the playlist, Late Night Alumni offers such angelic vocalist which has you hooked instantly. One of the best tunes to wind down to.

13. Kanye West - Heard 'Em Say. nothin's ever promised tomorrow, today
With the plinky piano and the guest vocals of Adam Levine, the best version is of course the Orchestral one that was done live. Kanye West may not be as good without his guest vocalists, but damn the man can produce a hit. Wonderful late night listening.

14. Marvin Gaye - Sexual Healing. and my emotional stability is leaving me
He's the man! Him and Barry White, probably caused the most number of pregnancies back in the 80s all the way till now. Will definitely unwind anyone.

15. The Prodigy - Break And Enter.
Can cause more windups than unwinding, but still makes the list just for post party lisening energy. Just keep the breakables away if it's been a rough night.

16. The Cure - Burn. But every night I burn But every night I call your name
It brings back images of a haunting Brandon Lee turning into The Crow. Surprisingly, it does help dissipate post party energy, though rage normally replaces it. Kinda makes you wanna watch the movie again.

17. Frente - Bizarre Love Triangle. You’ll say the words that I can’t say
Three versions of this song, the most haunting is still Frente's. With the soft vocals, you almost miss the intent of its lyrics. If you prefer electroclash then get the original by New Order.

18. The Cardigans - My Favourite Game. But in the end it’s always me alone
First heard in Grand Turismo, this is the gamer's track for everything that has gone wrong. Once again, keep the breakables safe.

19. Josh Wink - Higher State Of Conciousness.
The first 'tweeter' dance hit, sitting in the dark and just letting the tempo take you to the next level would be a wonderful way to end the night. Having someone curled up on your lap as well would be better.

20. New Order - Confusion. When I show you what you cannot see
Currently marketed on the internet as 'Blood Rave' , this all time favourite would be another wonderful way to end your alcohol blurred night. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.

21. Faithless - We Come One. I drain the color from the sky And turn blue without you
How can I leave Faithless out of the list. Another tune that would wake the active imagination, alcohol and this would definitely cause you to visualize a rave running through your living room.

22. Lamb - Gorecki. all this time I've loved you and never known your face
How could I have missed this out? This is THE love song. Lambs haunting vocals and slow build up makes this a must have for the dark rainy nights after hours.

So that's the tracks that would show you just how my mind decides to shut down for the night. Or morning. Give it a try. Who knows. Maybe they'll enter your list as well.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Weekend Warrior.

The fact that the weekend seems to burn me out more than the weekday is scary. It's Easter Sunday today, and yet I can't seem to afford proper sleep or rest. From my time dedicated to my WoW guildruns, to managing the weekend crowd, to the nuances that eat at your imagination, barely allows me time to sleep.

Which is why I favor my weekdays more. Less hassle, less complications. A time when I don't have to look over my shoulder every now and then. I guess I'll always have Thursdays.

And it doesn't help to have an active imagination as well. One that is curious enough to paint every single scenario or possibility within the confines of my twisted mind. Enough to make a man run screaming off into the night.

And when there's an infomation blackout, speculation only causes more issues for the poor cerebrum of mine. Thus I indulge in my gaming, my coffee, and my music.

I guess I really think too much. But then, I can't help being myself can I.

the city feels clean this time of night
just empty streets and me walking
home to clear my head
i know it came as no surprise
i'm affected more than i had guessed
on what was said

it's the quiet time before the dawn
and i'm half past making sense of it,
was i wrong?
should i claim to give it all
in a world where not much ever seems
to last long

if the smile's not meant to be, if the
heart's not ready to open
if we make it i won't see
.. it's broken
if the smile's not meant to be,
if the heart's not ready to open
if we make it i won't see
.. how it's broken

Late Night Alumni - Empty Streets.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Life in Monochrome.

So soon do I miss you already.

What started as an unplanned night, turned into a really insightful one.

It starts to drizzle as I drive, and we agree on looking for a spot for heavier rain instead. Apparently, God doesn't cry that much anymore for us.

You tell me a secret, and I'm glad that you trust me so.

You toy with my imagination. I play with your hair. Little things matter more after all.

Our little escapes help us deal with reality a little better. No deadlines. No curfews. Just the fresh outlook of looking at the world through each other's rose tinted glasses.

And no matter what, we'll always have Thursdays.

And as I drive home, this starts to play.

Keep quiet,
Nothing comes as easy as you.
Can I lay in your bed all day?
I'll be your best kept secret
And your biggest mistake.
The hand behind this pen relives a failure every day.

So wear me like a locket around your throat.
I'll weigh you down
.I'll watch you choke.
You look so good in blue.

Fall Out Boy - Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


It rains again. Always later than it should. You wait for it and it never comes. And when you give up on it, it'll hit you right in the face.

I say that it'll only rain if you're with me. You deny that furiously.

I insist. You ask why. I answer, cos when we somehow get together, God cries.

You remind me that there's no such thing as a 'we'.

I can only smile. The kind that's bittersweet.

I start to look for the pyrotechnics that would help you achive your goal in blowing up Red Box.

It's not so natural anymore. It never can be if there's active resistance or mental blocks. But then, we shouldn't be making God cry should we.

It’s battleship grey outside
And we don’t know what we’ll be getting
All your sweet talking, raining over me
‘til my name escapes, and I'm set free

There’s a word in your eye,
But I don’t know what is to say it
And when you call me from the other side,
A sense of it starts breaking up, and its lies

I don’t know, what I’m getting,
But I’m getting something,
I don’t know, what I’m getting,
But I’m getting something

It’s battleship grey outside,
Confusion, all this is for the gods
Uncertainty, I could be bathing under artificial light
Under twilight blue, starts to mesmorize
And I tell myself that you light up my life
But its all in the mind when you cannot see in the eyes

It’s battleship grey
All your sweet talking, raining over me
‘til my name escapes, and I’m set free

Tiesto - Battleship Grey.

And the rain continues..

Monday, April 10, 2006


Weird weather today. It threatens to rain, yet doesn't. Then again, it's Monday.

We claim that nothing's changed. So why does it feel different?

The music stays the same though.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometime
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometime
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometime
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

Howie Day - Collide

Saturday, April 08, 2006


The thing about Serani wakes is that there will never be a shortage of beer. And considering it's also part chinese, there also wasn't a shortage of porridge. Or peanuts. Or coffee. Or roast pork. For me, I just sat in one corner and enjoyed the beer.

It's been a rather different Saturday night I suppose. Work took up most of it, with my short escape with coffee for the pikachu. Learn a new thing everyday is something I've always been saying, and when there's nothing more to learn, only then is your time up on this world. And I honestly enjoying the newfound knowledge everyday that is with and about pikachu.

But then again, it's a whole new learning process. A different issue of understanding. What makes a person tick. Why I'm wanting to know as well. Likes and dislikes. Loves and hates. Wrongs and rights.

I do wonder. If what I'm doing is so wrong, does that make what's happening on the other end of the equation so right? I've always believed in the concept of karma and to some extent to chaos theory. Or that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. We can never remove ourselves from this equation. No matter how hard we try.

So does this justify my actions? That why it feels so right is because what happens on the other side of the fence so wrong? Small things like this can eat at you as you watch the minutes pass ever so slowly through the dead of the night.

And of course, there's the wait. The eternal wait. For something to happen. Or for something to turn around. Being in a communication blackout doesn't help at all, as it only makes the wait drag on. And on. Like halcyon on an acid trip. And the worry eats at your mind. And what's left of your soul.

And then, the phone glows. And suddenly everything is good once again. All good.

And the rain falls again.

Note to self : Don't overindulge in beer at a wake. The mind can be a fragile at times.

You can run away,
Leave your books behind you.
But you should look back twice,
just to be on the safe side.

From my boat I can see your house.
But now the lights are off,
And there is no one home.
You are just like an avalanche,
Cold as I might have guessed.
But at least I'm covered up for now.

Mew - 156.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


The storm hits at the right time. The rain seeps into your already wet clothes, offering you temporary solace from the troubles of the real world. It's been a perfect night. Almost.

Fine dining without alcohol. Driving around without a real destination.

A watergun fight within the confines of the car. The chemistry is so right. The atmosphere electrifying.

We take coffee to warm ourselves up, our clothes still damp from the floricking. And then the call comes.

As much as it feels that we do, we don't. He comes and joins us, and after a short conversation, whisks you away to his sanctum.

And the rain comes. It's been almost a perfect night.

And then I notice what's marked on my phone's digital calendar. And I can't help but smile.

It might be perfect after all.

And your teeth got wrapped around
Just can't speak
Just sit in your house
Never felt
Tears of love and
Tears of heart
You had it, you still
All you still use shampoo
You had it all, you still use shampoo

It felt so good
And you never die
She will fuck with you

I'm thinking of that kiss
Never will I'm sitting cold
There was love
You loved him
Take him
Trust in you

We shall be
You had it all
Yeah blue
You had it

Who's there you're talkin' to
Like you're sucking on his dick

And it tastes so good
Dreams and a wish for you
I've seen the jaws and they taste so good
Saw the jaws and they taste so good
I've seen the jaws and they taste so good
Tasting the jaws and they taste so good
You've seen the jaws and they taste so good

Broken Social Scene - Shampoo Suicide.

Mortalities and Moralities.

First of all, my condolences to Barney and his family for the loss of his beloved mother. Death can be a catalyst. It can make one wonder about his or her role or function in life. But when it happens to someone you actually know, it just numbs you. And you question yourself and the things around you more.

The past month or so for me have been harrowing. The accident. My grandmother's heart attack. I can't help but feel guilty at times. For procrastinating. For putting things off till tomorrow. What they say it true though.

There is no tomorrow. There is only today. Tomorrow comes today. Can we handle the regret of putting something off till tomorrow and then have fate take that option away? Of last words, or last actions.

Appreciate what we have now and today. We may not have it anymore tomorrow. Maybe that's what's changed my priorities lately. Our lives entwine and touch in the tapestry of fate, and everyday, that weave will lose a thread or three.

It hasn't been an active change. It's been gradual. I now enjoy the sunrise while driving home along the beach. I welcome the rain with open arms as it comes down to wash away everything. I take the time to make calls to family just to see if they're alright. I've learnt to use the L word again.

As cliched as it sounds, live life as if it's your last day today. Be thankful for what we have and not spiteful for what we want. Even the smallest gesture or the shortest moment could mean everything to someone else, so seize it while we can.

There's more to life than the blingbling, the games, the hate, the status quo. In the end, it's all about yourself. Nothing else.

I'm living fine with myself now. Are you?

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover.