Moron.

Stupid me. To have a plethora emotions swirl in me, drowning me even deeper in myself. To have what's left of me torn apart by opposing emotions. Love/hate. Empathic/Indifference.. Rage/Calm. Part of me wants to see you so bad, maybe one last time. Another part of me doesn't want you to see me like this. Yet another wants you to be happy. And another wants to just rage.

And when emotions fail, logic sets in. The same logic that decides that it's best to avoid confrontation. And the same logic which thinks that disassociation is a much better option to preserve the fraility beneath. Yet it's the very same logic that keeps me isolated and lonely, letting what lies beneath yearn for an escape from this prison which is now me.

Thus I numb myself again. And again. And again.


Sesuatu
Yang baru kusedari
Kau tinggalkanku
Tanpa sebab yang pasti
Sesuatu yang harusnya terjadi
Kau sakiti aku
Kau yang harus kubenci

Tetapi tak dapat kumengerti

Ku mencari sesuatu yang telah pergi
Ku mencari hati yang kubenci
Ku mencari sesuatu yang tak kembali
Ku mencari hati yang kubenci

Ku mencari
Ketap tak dapat kutemui
Ku mencari hati yang kubenci

Peter Pan - Diatas Normal.

Turpentine.

I walked in the morning rain. It felt different. As if each drop that hit me mocked me. Making me feel heavier. It doesn't wash away my pain anymore. It just reopens wounds instead, bathing me in my own sorrow. Yet I still can contain the rage within.So many things now that trigger the past. Even the little things. And still I smile with a hand in my pocket squeezing my jewels.

There is a place that dwells within : Rage.

It seeks satisfaction. Looking to quench the urges. Embodying itself in : Revenge.

Which helps to fuel that first step. Although not needed to lose your crumbs behind.

You fall victim to 'ISMS' yet you are far beyond.

A thick wood covering your old existence.

The mind turns into a void. But if you weren't blinded it would be clear.

This is where the new path begins. Your last journey begins here.


I've watched you change
I took you home
Set you on the glass
I pulled off your wings
Then I laughed
I watched a change
In you
It's like you never
Had wings
Now you feel
So alive
I've watched you change

Deftones - Change.

Sugar Free.

Why do you still contact me even though you say almost nothing? Is it to show that you care? Or maybe to ease that guilt trip of yours? That if I'm happy you're happy? Or that if I'm ok, you'd be able to get on with your plans?

What I do is damage control. But I'm sure you'd take that the wrong way too. And you know what? No, I'm not ok. I wish I was, but all I can do it grit my teeth and smile. Show the illusion that I am, indeed ok. The good news is that the paranoia is leaving. The bad news is that it's slowly being replaced by rage. The worse news is that I cannot unleash it, so I let it consume me instead. So, how am I?

Even in my dreams, you haunt me. But at least, I have my moment there. Thanks for the fish.


Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come tor raise the dead
Have you come here to play jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now its all I got
We're one
But were not the same
We hurt each other
Then we do it again

U2 - One.

25th Hour.

That things didn't go as plan last night is an understatement. All our regular drinking venues were full thanks to the school holidays. The guest of honour lacked sleep ( as did most of us), and was being arched to death by his office. Most of us were arched by the traffic/underaged crowd/tardiness. But things would start to work out once we got ourselves over to a drinking spot.

Note that beer + stout + meds = bad combo finish. So was Jobe's stout and actifast. But things would be different. We left the drinking spot due to their bad choice of music. There was no round table session. Capes was loaded up enough to start his ship sinking salvos though. But still, we were lacking booze. And it was only at supper did the night get justified.

We were having supper at our usual mamak, when the screeching of tires drew our attention. Some car full of loaded up indians tried some funky parking and it arched our table enough. They got the table next to us, and was joined by a whole lotta more of em. As they went ahead with their supper, cursing the mamaks and making a racket, Capes started muttering 'Findians.'

There were 15 of them total. There wasn't enough of us if shit happened, but hell we were ready. We got our cue to leave however, when 9 bikes came in, and one of it's tukau riders muttered 'Chau Kelinga'. Apparently, hate was the flavour of the night. Our decision to leave and watch from across the road proved wise, when 5 minutes later more bikes arrived, and soon after, one chair flew into the table. This was followed by a full blown melee involving about 40 people which raged on all the way into the kampung and the main road. It's been a while for us, as Meng and me watched and smiled.

Someone screamed to withdraw and within seconds, the riders ran back to their bikes and sped off. Of the indians, we never saw what became of them. Good thing we stopped Tats from going back across to get the cans of booze we left on the table. There had more blood after that though, but that is another story.

Happy Birthday to you Jobe. Welcome to your 25th hour. :)

You think that you dont have to ever quit
You think that you can get away with it
You think the light wont be ever lit
Its almost over now
Almost over now

Something's on your chest
Better get it off
There'll be no one left when we set it off
We aint gonna take it no more
Since
Its almost over now
Almost over now


N.E.R.D. - Rockstar.

Flight.

Melor dropped by last night while I was working. The man's finally gonna take his final step and finish off his studies in the land of the prim and proper, where tea is always followed by footie and a scrap or two. He'll be gone for a few months, but if he gets real lucky, maybe get to stay longer. So all the best to you. May you find your little place where lovers have wings.

We talked abit on current topics, since it's gonna be a long time till his next trip here. Lucky him. He gets to get out of the loop. I was advised to do the same. In a way, I've already done that though. He went through the current batch of CDs I was playing. Korn, Oakenfold, Incubus, Fall Out Boy, Spawn OST, Cypress Hill. He's got a whole lotta music to download before he leaves now. Pity he didn't burn another of his compilations for me to trip to though.

He's right though. Nothing I can do, but grit my teeth and smile. We'd normally catch up over a beer or 3, but I was still running high on meds, so that wouldn't have been so smart. Or maybe I should've.

Should've. Could've. Would've.

Doesn't matter anymore. All the best to you dude. Don't come back too soon aight.


So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of this world and it's people's mindless games.
So pardon me while I burn and rise above the flame.
Pardon me, pardon me... I'll never be the same.

Incubus - Pardon Me.

Zen.

Useless fact of the day #31: Comfort sex is like alcohol, no amount of it can mend a broken heart.


A darkness grows inside me in fading shades of gray
All the colors of the world are slowly sucked away
I'm sinking ever deeper to a place that's cold and black
I can't believe I've lost you and you're never coming back

These words have torn my world apart
These lies have torn my world apart
These words have torn my world apart
Torn my world apart

Stabbing Westward feat. Winkx - Torn Apart.

Kismet.

Almost a cliche it is. That the way that I caused one to be vanquished, is the same method that is used against me. Try as I might not to see it, the glaring similarities are there.

I guess it is only fair that fate deals against me the very hand that I used to win the previous round. Or rather, it was only the illusion of the win. The saying, "Do unto others what you wish others to do unto you" rings true after all.

At least, you could've told me.


Keep holding on
When my brain's tickin' like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts have come Again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mocking bird
You don't affect me

That's right
Deliverance of my heart
Be straight
Be deliberate

Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong
So delicate

Korn - Coming Undone.

Paranoid Android.

It feels weird. Different even. Suddenly, there's no sign of you. As if you just, dissapeared. And as I wonder what happened, my paranoia kicks in. That somehow, I managed to fuck up again.

That somehow, something I did has caused you to distance yourself effectively. Or maybe it's a case of he said she said. And so I wait it out, wondering. And that's the thing about waiting. Time always seems to move slower when you wait. Minutes feel like hours. Hours feel like days. And my mind starts creating riddles for it to solve.

The tone is unmistakable. A tinge of irritation, a hint of aggression, a taint of offensiveness. You lash out at my curiousity, turning my words against myself. Maybe it's true. Familiarity breeds contempt. I back down and lick my wounds in the corner.

You tell me that you'd be right back. I cheerfully say ok and wait. You blink out of existence. I sit here and continue waiting.

Amazing how things can change overnight.


Open up now
Head in the sky
Pierce the tongue that
Keeps telling lies
Feelings in my mouth
You breathe in but can't breathe out

Korn - Open Up.

Relapse.

To lapse. Such a small word can make such a difference. On the highway, a lapse in your concentration while driving can get you killed. A lapse in character can cause you to do things you regret. A lapse in willpower can cause you to succumb to vice. But then, we're only human. We're not perfect. And every so often, we WILL lapse.

But then, if your nature is to be violent, a lapse in it would be good instead? And if you do lapse, how long would it last? For me, that's a little tricky. If you choose to adapt to everything, and lose yourself instead, what happens?

I seem to rant pointlessly again. I've always believed in the concept of honesty. Even if it's a situation that I don't wanna hear, I should be told about it. Don't lie to me please. It just ruins the image of you. You lapse by going back on your words, using excuses instead to get you to point B. I lapse by succumbing to my alcowhore.

Everybody hurts. And I wake to watch the sunrise and the end of the world.


So do, I warn you
I see things when I hold you
But I’ve whispered: "it’s alright"
It is you and me and a long night

You're a ghost in the doorway,
I can see through, but I hold tight,
I’ll just stay on holding until it hurts,
I just want you to know you're lovely,

Chemical Brothers feat. Anna Lynne - Hold Tight London.