Wreked.

I can't help it. I don't fancy this attunement as much as you.

To feel what you feel. The good and the bad. Last night, I really didn't need to feel that.

To be empathic is one thing. To be overwhelmed is another.

So much mixed emotions. So wrong yet so right. So right, yet utterly wrong. I curl up in a ball trying to block the assault on the senses.

And it made me sick. So sick that even now I feel weak. And it's not over is it. It can't be over so soon.

And as futile as it may be, I brace myself for the next emotional violation.


you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides
help me I’ve got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me
help me get away from myself

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
help me tear down my reason
help me its' your sex I can smell
help me you make me perfect
help me become somebody else

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason I stay alive

Nine Inch Nails - Closer.

Family Habits.

Last week, my grandmother had a heart attack. My initial reaction of wanting to drive back immediately was quashed by everyone else telling me to wait it out in Penang instead, while my mom made her way to me. Something about me not in a mental state to drive back alone. :P right.

I guess in a way it was a whole experience for me. As usual, families would seem to gather more in times of crisis than in times of joy. And I did learn a thing or two about my mom as I drove back with her as my terrified co-pilot the next day. One thing would be that my short fuse dealing with incompetent staff is inheritent from here, as I hear her bombard her subordinates over the cellphone while I barrel my way down the highway. Another would be the sarcasm, and 'mulut laser' as she proceeded to gun down every fucktard (her word, not mine) who had their hazard lights on in the storm.

But then again, my traits ( good and bad) don't all come from just her. I discovered where my stubborness came from when I got to the hospital and went in to check on my grandma. Initial small talk had her explaining what happened that night. Apparently, she had the attack at around 11.30pm. She finally decided to call my auntie at 12.02 am after deciding that this might actually kill her. Needless to say my auntie panicked and flew (her words not mine) her straight to the nearest hospital. I asked her why the heck did she wait that long. She shrugged and smiled. I couldn't help but smile back as I called her stubborn.

After all this is the grandma who took care of me since i was 5 days old, all the way for 10 years till I moved to Penang with my folks. This is the grandma who taught me to have an open mind and made sure an ustazah would teach me the Quran everyday at home while she attended church on weekends. This is the grandma of Chinese Eurasian decent who can shoot you down in all 4 etnic languages. This is the grandma brought up 7 kids, half her grandkids and when everyone was old enough, divorced my grandad, yet took care of him till his last days. Hench, this is my grandma who I love to bits.

Another interesting thing noted while I was driving back. All the while I had easy music playing so that my mom wouldn't go deaf ( Keyshia Cole, Prince, Beyonce, Outkast :P ) but it being Saturday night, I switched over to Red 104.9 for their live DJ sets as soon as I hit the Penang border. They had some very decent breakbeats and house playing. Halfway through, my mom asked me what CD was this, cos she wanted a copy. o.O She then started bitching about me not playing good music throughout the whole trip until now. She then proceeded to ninja some of my best dance compilations. At least she drew the line at trance so I get to keep my Tiesto. :P

You can't help but smile to see my mom move to FatboySlim in her seat. :)

The Morning Afters.

Something happened to us after Tiesto. Maybe it was the roadtrip. Maybe it was an awakening. Maybe the energy from that night still flows in us. Maybe it was the homosexual ghosts that wandered in the Cititel rooms.

Maybe it's all of the above.

Whatever the reason, something within has changed.

Boon has just left for KL for a weekend trip, himself searching for his own sunrise. The man who has been floating in emotional limbo for so long seems to have finally steered himself towards a port. Or two. It's all good either way.

Tats is adamant on learning how to shuffle. Melbourne Shuffle. That and a certain rejuvenation that seems to empower him even more. Gone seem to be his weariness of waiting. Projekt: Singapore is around the corner.

Ronz is Ronz, with a vengence. One wonders if he decides to beatbox Traffic while doing tech support. Hell, I'd be surprised if he doesn't. The twinkle in his eye whenever he goes through the various blogs/pics/vids on the Sepang event says it all. The man has a purpose, and it seems to be more enlightment via raves.

As for me, the whole thing made me realize that at my point of life, I shouldn't fear anymore. I shouldn't fear what people think or say. I shouldn't fear where my heart takes me. I shouldn't fear my past. I have only my future ahead. And there is more to life out there, it's just ours for the taking.

So it's time to lean back, get my pokemon, and live my life as it should be. :)

You can travel the world but you can't run away
from the person you are in your heart
you can be who you want to be
make us believe in you
keep all your light in the dark
if your searching for truth
you must look in the mirror
and make sense of what you can see

Just be


i was lost and i'm still lost but i feel so much better

Tiesto - Just Be.

In Search of Sunrise - Nothing Could Be Better.

After all the work rescheduling, all the last minute plan changes, all the delays, it was worth it. Tiesto's performance at the F1 Renault Pit Party ( which was also part of his In Search of Sunrise tour) made this the best rave that I have ever attended in my life, and it's a little hard to top it after this. Simply put, I don't think I need to ever attend another rave since it probably wouldn't be able to top this one. (unless it showcases Underworld, Chemical Brothers or BT)

Projekt Sepang.
We managed to get to Sepang around 8ish without getting lost with ample parking to boot. As soon as we got out of the car, the sound and atmosphere was amazing. Even from across the road, the sound was kickass. After a quick bodycheck at the entrance, the 4 of us each bagged a free zippowannabe lighter by filling up some survey which would probably have us being dogged by junk mail for the next year or so. Drinks were fairly priced, with Heinekens going for rm15 and water/coke going for rm5. Needless to say, we shotgunned the first can :)

Drum Connection was playing a live set at that point, and from what I noticed, I'm quite sure it's Safari Duo with 2 more members added. They kept the crowd electrified and warmed everyone up well enough. Already you could tell there had a few thousand in the house already.

Around 9ish, some DJ with the shirt Milk started his warm up set, and surprisingly spun a very decent set. The best part was when he mixed in Orbital's Halycon and On and On which got the crowd moving well enough. By 10 however, his set didn't look like it was gonna finish on time.

And then the set finished, and new podiums were added into the mix. A lion dance started, followed by kompangs and then the whole place was lighted up with pyrotechnics, with rockets being fired straight towards the stage from the chillout point. And there he was in all his arrogance. Tiesto started his set. Please note - I state that Tiesto is arrogant not because I dislike him. I enjoy his music well enough. I call him arrogant because he's fucking good at controlling the crowd, and he KNOWS it.

He played 3 sets, his first had more of his newer works, and after an hour of working the crowd, a female vocalist took the stage to belt out a few of his tracks (which was sadly offkey due to her not wearing a earpiece). This was when I realized that she was a filler for him to take his breaks inbetween sets. As the 2nd set wore on though, I was rather distracted by the 15k people all over the place, as I tried to search for friends that have been messaging me since the start of his show. Fatigue was already taking over as I danced past stoners, ravers, shufflers, hedonists and 'damnyouhawt' women, and I was sitting my ass in the Heineken tent when the vocalist appeared again to give the man his break.

And around 1.30 the off-keyed woman died down, and a dragon dance started on stage. Peeking out of the tent, I started to hear the strains of Forever Today as the dragon floated on. After realizing that this was gonna be THE set, I managed to get the rest of the gang up and about and started to head towards the middle. And that's when it hit us. Unlike his previous sets, his went all out at this point, not allowing us to rest or breathe, instead just upping the ante with each track he played. He played us all like his puppets, because each time that we tried to rest, he would bang in another anthem.

How could you not dance to his last set? People who were out of it were getting back into the crowd. And when it looked like he wore us out, in came Adagio For Strings, which took everyone to another level all together, especially when the Malaysian Flag came up during the songbreak. And from that point, he decided to break us. He had the crowd singing to Love Comes Again. He had people go crazy when they heard Flight 643 and Suburban Train. And he had revellers who were leaving do a 180 when Traffic hit the floor. The man knows his shit. And that's to entertain.

And the best part? We stayed clean throughout the whole thing (which would be 60% of the crowd). All I had the whole night was 1 beer, a whole lotta water, and 2 1/2 packs of Smints. K so I'm guilty of a sugarless sugar rush >.< And even now, back in Penang, the event is still fresh in my mind.

Thank you for the best rave in my life Mistar Tiesto! bai.

You have become
What you have always been
Light flickering around
Peripheral vision
No words we can speak
Our paths have been chosen
But all trails that we trek
Should lead us back to here because our

Love comes again
Just when I've broken out of love
Love can come again
You gotta believe that
Love comes again
Just when I've broken out of love
Love can come again

Dig within me
Turn all the secret stones
Forests and fields
Breathing with blood and bones
Still no word we can speak
Our paths have been chosen
But all trails that we trek
Should lead us back to here because our

Love comes again
Just when I've broken out of love
Love can come again
You gotta believe thatLove comes again
Just when I've broken out of love
Love can come again

Tiesto feat. BT - Love Comes Again.

Run Catch Kill.

Yes I do know it's been awhile since my last proper update. I guess real life has been pwnting me again and again. So here's a basic summary of what's been going on with me the past few weeks ( not like anyone reads anyway).

- I crashed the pimpmobile. And I'm still upset about it. Yes, it's my fault, I did hit the guy after all ( although the compulsory 'TIBA TIBA' did appear in the police report) . Now I'm trying to get her out of the workshop in time for a check up, and if possible, drive her down to Sepang for Tiesto. And yes, I do know I'm running out of time.

- Work schedule = pwnt. With both STPM and SPM results released, our work roster is rapidly changing once again, thus resulting in emergency retraining of newblood to be sent back out to the other 3 outlets. Why would this kick my ass? Because I've been routinely pulling double shifts just to monitor them enough to make sure no fuckups occur. At least I got 3 supervisors to kick around just in case :)

- I broke my body clock again. It now runs on 2-4 hr a day sleep patterns. Couple this with my addiction to coffee ( and also my new dedication to the online world) , my brain is slowly melting into mush.

- Yay the F1 parties are here again! Managed to go for the Red Zone event at Coco's. Gabriel & Maniam, Mario Piu on the outside; Desire and Roxy on the inside; what more could you ask for? For Penang standards,it was good and it brought back memories of the Full Moon Party with the Warp Brothers and happiness was when it started to rain while Mario Piu's set was in full swing. The stage moves on to KL/Sepang this weekend though, with Yana spinning for the Toyota party; James Lavelle of U.N.K.L.E. hitting it up at Zouk for the Levis` event; ATB, Montana, Tall Paul at the Red Zone Sepang, and of course TIESTOZOMGWTFBBQ at the Sepang Renault Pit Party. I still rue missing last year's Toyota gig which featured Prodigy >.<

And in other news, sex in the bathroom on toilet bowls = broken toilet seats. *grumble grumble*
and I also managed to get myself an exercise bike and have been constantly clocking 5 - 10 miles a day.

In my boxers.

While watching TV.

No you can't watch.

At least not yet.

God I need to catch me some sleep >.<


And I heard 'em say
nothin ever promised tomorrow today.
But we'll find a way
And nothing lasts forever but be honest babe,
it hurts but it may be the only way.

Kanye West feat. Adam Levine - Heard Em Say.